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I had an ex-boyfriend a long time ago that always called me a “wildcard”. I knew what he meant. I was always a very emotional roller coaster.

Over the long weekend I had some time to think about what I’m doing next.

Currently, I work full time and do contract work on the side… I’m not actively meeting new people and I am obsessed with my finances. I haven’t DJed or bought new tracks or been interested in anything new lately. I feel old and boring. I’m in this comfortable life that I seem to constantly be looking through a window of to others who are passing me by doing things they love to do. Sure, the grass is always greener.

But. What do *I* love to do?

I’ve taken on so much side work to cover up for something I am in denial about and I think it’s just finally time for me to do what I’ve always said I wanted to do: move somewhere and discover my potential.

It seems that when I’m not in a relationship, as rare as that is, I accomplish more because I’m open to more opportunities. I just don’t allow myself to do much of this while I’m in a relationship. It’s almost like I hold myself back from things so that I have the time to give as much as I can to the person I’m with. And lately my gut is screaming for me to *do* something to change this so that I can break some old emotional habits, get involved in new things and *learn*.

I need change. I want to try to lead rather than follow.

I have talked about this with Jess and he is just so understanding. All the boy ever wants is for me to be truly happy. So it leaves me feeling bittersweet that I know I’m doing something I *need* to do while leaving something behind that is really special.

So. I’m moving out of Virginia next year. I’m probably headed to the west coast. I’m scared about so many things. But I know it’s what’s next.