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I took all these little notes and put them in my phone whenever I had a thought. When I read them now I don’t understand what I was thinking, so either a) I was drunk when I wrote them, or b) my memory is worse than I thought. Convinced that leaving one line notes for myself here and there was better than nothing, I guess I gave my memory the benefit of the doubt. Sigh.

But I did make more detailed entries in my journal about some things I was feeling while away.

October 15th - First Elating Moment of Happiness on Vacation
Where? In the van on the way back from Mexico.
What? Listening to my iPod and looking at the stars outside… there are so many!

October 16th - Happiness in the Present
I’m reading the Tao. But right now, happiness is blueberry pie at an Amish kitchen in the desert.

October 18th - Getting Pissed and Thinking About Dating
When I start dating again, this is what I’ll be looking for… I want someone to surprise me every once in a while, leave a note on my car while I’m at work, plan an evening for me, make me something. Then, give me space to be emotional or opinionated, but say it when you think I need my attitude adjusted. Do what you say you’ll do; don’t make promises you cannot keep (no matter how small). Don’t grope me; I like my physical space as much as my emotional space. Above all, allow me to grow; encourage me to do things I’m interested in, even if they don’t include you. Do these things because you love making those efforts, and because I’ll be doing them too for the same reasons.

And for goodness sake, don’t just sit there.

October 18th - Second Elating Moment of Happiness
Where? Driving in California, east of San Diego.
What? The mountains, sunset and music finally take hold of me, and I cry a little. Then, as if on cue, I come up over a hill and see about 20 windmills.

It’s a moment like this that I hold onto when times of depression sink in. I try to remember that this is possible, even when I’m alone, and that I needn’t worry.

October 23rd - Observations and Things I’ve Learned
- Cactus look like people. Just standing there in the desert silently watching as you drive by.
- I have a “west coast” attitude.
- Things are rarely as they seem.
- When someone who is irresponsible offers me a ride on the back of his motorcycle, perhaps I should listen to my instincts and not go.
- That I only have what is here at this moment. Any attempt to over think what I fear or hope for in the future is futile, because those things are not yet on my shoulders to be responsible for. (Learn to control.)
- I am now drug-free, and I’m actually ok with saying it.
- The Arizona sun has a soothing warmth to it. I could get addicted.
- Stop being hard on myself, for I haven’t actually lost the capacity to appreciate.
- If I move to a more beautiful place, will there come a time when the scenery no longer takes my breath away?
- It’s worth the effort (and neck pain) to look into the night sky.
- That making it through this breakup completely will be a defining moment that I very much look forward to.