I write about my journey through self-exploration and awareness; doesn’t everyone? Here, though, there are tendencies toward green living, veg*nism, travel, relationships and complaining. :)
We went out Friday night with DJ S and Anand to Dragonfly in DC. I got my usual (or unusual) dance on to a DJ that I swear was gettin’ some in the booth by some blond. Brian told me I had a “Mary Katherine Gallagher” way about me…
Is that even a good thing?
Sigh! :)
:)
*Read: dot matrix printers. Yes, seriously.
Some of it is difficult because a lot of the music came from the Jesse + Laura era and are hard to listen to. But, like I’ve been forgiving myself lately for being sad or angry… because sometimes those feelings need to be felt, I’ve also been thinking that I need to listen to those songs once in a while. You know, to remember how awesome things were at one time and that it was special.
Oh, Red House Painters, how easily you can invoke a tear…
… but it’s ok. :)
M’s been reminding me lately of the importance of this, the second agreement. Basically, nothing anyone ever does is because of me; it is because of their own self and their own reality.
Last night, I saw b. I know, I promised myself I wouldn’t. But I’m kind of testing myself now, because there are two things happening here that I need to remain aware of, and if I can do that, I can avoid getting into a funk.
Number one, I *do not* like him the way I think I do. I have a newly-realized issue with finding validation through the attention of boys. It’s a sad way to be, but I’m working on it. The weekend in Minneapolis was a success, in this sense. And my goal of staying single for a year (longer if I can do it) will also prove successful if I can stay conscious of the fact that just because a boy pays me attention, I do *not* have to like him back on sheer principle. Because I fear being alone, this is tough for me. My instinct is to want to be with the person, even in spite of all the things about them that I dislike and couldn’t deal with on a daily basis… but agreement #2 and my conversations with both m and Kim have really helped me.
Number two, nothing b does or *doesn’t* do is because of me. It is because of him and his reality. When he doesn’t reply to a text message, it is only because of a personal reason that is in his own reality.
Remembering the second agreement makes me feel relaxed, less burdened with my own insanity, and relieved that I’m not carrying the weight of others’ decisions on my shoulders. Plus, it helps me rationalize going out on a cold Saturday night for some good lovin’. ;)
