I was skeptical, looking for excuses for it not to work… desperately holding onto what I thought my life would be like here. And even now, it’s really hard for me to write this, because writing an entry in my blog is an admission of truth.
So I admit: I was, for once, protecting myself from getting close to someone. I don’t want to hurt someone again by imagining everything was right when it wasn’t. By believing the person was perfect for me, when they weren’t… by hanging on by that thin, thin thread for way too long and dragging the other person down with me.
I have so many regrets…
I’ve learned to step back from my little bubbled reality and see things for what they are. I grasped that only within the past ten months, but it’s a habit now, this checking in with myself.
Yea, I flirted. Just like I always do. And it got me close to someone. Just like it always does. But this was really close. Too close on some days; I freaked out. Friends supported me when I ran to them for advice. This shouldn’t be happening right now! I just GOT here!
…
On my drive to Portland during the first week of March, I received a message via Meetin.org from Ben. He said hi, that he saw my post in a thread regarding moving to Portland and he thought, by the looks of my profile, that we had a lot in common… would I like to hang out sometime?
Well, duh! How awesome was this?!
We met the first weekend I was here at a place downtown across from Powell’s and had a snack and a beer and talked about where our civilization is headed. We’re all fucked, we both agreed. Not even a thought in my mind about dating or sex or kissing or making out or… ugh… *love*. It was a nice few hours getting to know someone new and I left it at that.
But then…
I went home, looked him up on myspace, on facebook. On his website.
And read.
And saw (among so many other awesome things): “Interests: making out.“
Dang.
Let’s message him; I want his reaction.
So I did. And I got the reaction.
And we saw each other again a few days later and totally had a “do you know this one!?” music competition in my room. It fucking rocked. And we chilled. We laid around and talked and were buds.
Days went by.
And we made out.
Days went by.
And then we talked.
Days went by.
And fuck, there is nothing nothing nothing I don’t like about this kid. And everything everything everything I love about someone and *more*… it’s all there.
He is like nothing I have known before. Totally new. From a different area with a different path and a different past. A past that doesn’t include me or where I’m from or what I’ve done. He only knows the me that is me… *now*. And he likes the pieces of me I never knew someone could even notice.
On the weekends we get three days together. And each weekend we’ve gotten closer than the last. And it is fucking unbelievable.
But that was it. I was not believing it.
I fought with him in my mind. When something was just a teeny bit off, or when he would do or say something I simply wouldn’t do, my head was made up: “I can’t fucking do this…” and I was relieved. A few times I went back and forth, swaying on that fence.
But the weekend of June 2nd I found myself going on and on and on talking to him about all my fears and worries about the future. Our future. I can’t take it when this happens or when he reacts this way, blah blah. Nitpicking. Not accepting. Judgmental. Impatient. Selfish.
Then he said that it wasn’t only up to me. That the relationship we’ve created together is two-sided, 50/50… that if I failed at something or miscommunicated the whole thing wouldn’t have to go down the shitter because losing the relationship wasn’t.just.up.to.me.
And that shit knocked me on my ass. Dude is right. This shit isn’t up to me! I don’t need it all on my shoulders! I’m only half in control. There were a lot of fucking things that had to fit right so that we could even meet in the first place and I need to accept that this wasn’t just some fling or need for attention. I had been assuming all along that all the shitty pieces of previous relationships were still there and were still problems between me and this new person.
Immediately I developed a new respect for him and a new care for how I was organizing my thoughts.
Since then? I’m all in it. He keeps surprising me. And I’m not insecure about it. I believe it when he tells me his deepest feelings and I know that I’m not compromising anything to be with him. It’s just too fucking good. And whether or not I expected to be with someone this quickly after I moved here doesn’t fucking matter.
It’s happening, man. Right now, I can’t fight it.
Well, I could fight it. I could leave it. But I’d be fucking sorry for it later.
This *is* a very self-aware relationship. Probably my first one. We talk about everything. And I can’t imagine things getting bad because “communication only makes things better”.
So here we are, having the best five months of our lives…
…
He starts grad school at NCSU in August. And I am so happy that he’s going to be doing what he’s doing. For just under two years I will be nearly 3,000 miles away, doing what I had planned on originally; my own thing. And together we’re going to see if this challenge we’re up against can be overcome. I am going to miss the fuck out of him. Every.goddamn.minute.
But I’m only alive once and I am capable of taking the risk. It took me three months to become ready for it and seeing what it has already yielded me is what inspires me to stay in it for the long run.
I’m so *sick* of being afraid. I’m not missing out on anything this time.
I am going to see the world with this kid.
Mine is coming soon :D