You know, it’s really interesting how my emotions change when I know something I don’t want to do needs to get done. I usually lose a little sleep worrying, then I call my mom (then m, or the BG) for advice (validation), then put the decision into action.
Maybe I’m living up to the “adaptability” that the BG once said he loved me for having. Or maybe I’m just so focused on traveling the world that sacrificing something I love for a little while is worth the trouble. Or, perhaps I would just rather be debt-free than putting my life at risk for another day.
Since I have realized how happy the times with the BG can be, I’ve been more attentive to my personal well-being and mortality. Even as I write this, and know that I’ve been thinking of it for a few weeks now, I remember that he said the same thing to me yesterday without any idea of how I felt; a part of me is doing this so that I don’t run the risk of hurting myself on a motorcycle while we’re apart.
I guess going down on the bike scared me, as much as I don’t want to admit that. The few times I rode after that felt great, and really rewarding. I almost felt like getting past the hurdle of having an accident made me a better rider… more in tune, more relaxed. On the flipside, and before each ride, I have anxiety over it, instead of the excitement I used to feel.
I remember living in Virginia, commuting to work 10 miles one way, and being so excited about hopping on it each morning… I just don’t feel that right now. The joy of riding is no longer outweighing the financial stress that I feel to save as much money as possible by May of 2009.
So the ad is up, and I feel good about it. I’m actually pretty excited to have it be done with, as I’ll be on my way to saving all my money from that point on. Many people can’t say that, so I feel fortunate.
(The added benefit to all this is… I’m contributing much less, now, to this.)
I <3 you motorcycling... but for now I'm taking a break.
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