I have chosen to let go.
(My first week of unlimited yoga is complete, as of yesterday.)
I am not sure what’s happening to me, but I feel free. I don’t know whether to attribute it solely to the yoga practice, the ever-growing closeness I continue to have with the BG, learning about new people through making friends, or my recent decision to keep my head up and positive on all fronts.
It is an immense improvement.
After spending a few weeks in a battle with myself, feeling insecure and acting ridiculous, analyzing what I am doing, where I am headed, the distance between the BG and I, my job, my living situation, and leaving Portland — all culminating in a self-rendered state of overwhelming despair… Suddenly, I have let go.
Sometimes I *really* surprise myself.
The subtle guilt from being sedentary is absolutely gone. Between riding my bike daily, and now committing to yoga (I now attend classes five days per week), I wonder why in the hell I’ve waited so long to integrate these activities into my life. It is very easy, now that I don’t drive, to achieve them, that’s for sure. But it also helps to have a coworker friend who has recently committed to the same activities as well.
Kris works with me in the office next door and has been doing yoga for about ten years, and has also recently begun to commute by bicycle. She is incredible, both at yoga, and as a support for me beginning my practice. I have a terrible habit of giving a shit of what others think of me, and she has a nice way of reminding me to keep it under wraps; it’s not what yoga is about.
After practicing for two weeks, intensely for these past seven days, I’ve come to understand that everyone performs yoga in a unique way. The practice itself is as flexible as the body becomes with time, and holding onto expectations will do nothing but hinder my progression.
The other night in class I did a head stand for the first time, and I did not need the wall. It wasn’t held for very long, but it made me feel a little fearless. ;)
It is amazing what my body can do, without my mind holding it back.
Even though I miss the BG very much, and think about him all the time, I have decided to make the absolute most of my final months in Portland. I’ve surrounded myself with wonderful people, am involved in fun and challenging activities and I have nothing to complain about or over analyze.
I’m beginning to learn that feeling satisfied and happy with my life actually takes work, that it doesn’t just appear.
I feel awesome, and it is of my own doing.
Yayyyyyyy… (It’s like I’m learning or some shit. Hehe.)
