I’ve been hurriedly making preparations to move. And really, that just means getting rid of and packing all my shit, shipping it out, quitting my job, changing flights, booking new flights, applying for jobs, phone interviews, canceling Spanish class, dropping the volunteer job (boo hoo), telling all the wonderful people here I’m leaving and consequently trying to spend as much time with each of them as possible, and, keeping my head straight.
No big deal, right?
I am simply amazed at how different my life is now, compared to this time last year. Often, I think about where I might be one year from the present moment. I try to imagine the location, the feeling, the environment, the people. Usually, I miss the mark on most of those counts, but one or two can sometimes be estimated with a little accuracy.
My present moment is the last thing I’d imagined myself doing last October. One year ago, Jess and I were breaking up, I was driving north and visiting m on numerous occasions, I began to believe that I’d actually follow through with my move to the west coast, and I was realizing how lonely (and used to it) I had become in Virginia. Never in a million years did I think, “Hmm, next year I bet I’ll be moving east again to be with my soulmate!”
So, and inevitably, I feel surprised, excited and cautious. I also sense a bit of insecurity because, well, I’m leaving behind a lot. In just a matter of months I made a solid few circles of friends by whom I feel so entirely loved and appreciated (seriously, like never before), practiced yoga several days a week with a motivational buddy (a dream come true), discovered a bit of the Pacific Northwest and Portland (and getting to know my way around), realigned some of my beliefs and started to work on some goals I set for myself.
As of yet, I have no job in Raleigh (though quite a few prospects), I’ve never been to the city, and I don’t know anyone there (besides the BG). But that doesn’t sound much different than my move to Portland, so why is there such a contrast in my mindset?
Well, probably because I’m moving for a drastically different reason this time. Any doubt I have about my time in Raleigh really all comes from my self and how I handle relationships, not from the BG or my lack of trust in our bond.
Yea. I feel insecure. But more appropriately, I feel vulnerable. And I am ok with it.
I haven’t talked to BG in over 24 hours, which is seriously the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since we met in March. I am not usually so attached, but I guess this is different. Right now he is studying abroad in Mexico and is entirely out of reach. He will be back on Monday, which will be the next time I speak to him.
Ironically, during these final moments of anxiety and discomfort, I am almost glad he’s not here to listen to my insane ramblings of plan-making. We both probably need a break, and I embrace the challenge of getting all the little details handled without his assistance this week.
But I wonder what he’s learning and where he is, and I wish I could be there, experiencing it with him. Unlike all of my other relationships, I feel I am one half of a whole in this one. This, I can conclude, is the reason I am moving right now. Although I am quite happy in Portland, I am not content. There is a void now, so I’m off to go fill it.
I wonder. What will my life be like in one more year?
