/frekur/blog/

I’m so on the verge of something all the time. Like if I keep thinking thinking thinking then something one day is going to POP!… And then I’ll get it and be right with the world and myself and my surroundings. I’m starting to believe this might be the wrong way to live.

On some days there are minutes where I feel relaxed. On other days there are hours where I feel too complex and can’t complete even the most simple of tasks. There are yet other days where I know I’m fighting something bigger. Huge. I am fighting the universe. And the more I fight it the more miserable I become. Things cannot always be *my* way.

The days I fight are the days I remember most because they’re the ones where I feel the most awful. They’re the ones I deal out blame. I blame the city of Raleigh for making me feel enclosed, I blame myself for losing my independence, I blame my friends for not taking our relationships more seriously, I blame this apartment for my claustrophobia, I blame the BG for being too good, I blame the media for not enlightening us, I blame my family for not trying harder to see things the way I do, I blame the US for most of the world’s collective misery, I blame soccer moms for driving poorly, I blame breeders for perpetuating the problem. The list never ends. All of this blame and judgement, all because I cannot control the way things are and cannot accept that I do not have the control.

During moments of relaxation I feel completely integrated into my surroundings. I don’t think about them, they just are. Nothing can go wrong because nothing is touching me. It is because these moments happen so rarely for me, or that they’re mostly induced when certain conditions apply, that I am making a vow today. My perceptions of life are skewed and I recognize that as an issue.