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cross your fingers for me

I love how I can totally lose it at the drop of a hat for something so fucking meaningless. And then once I lose it I can’t get back easily. I loom there, time stops, nothing else matters. And even though my brain is telling my heart that I have nothing in the world to worry about and EVERYTHING in the world to be excited about I remain, sitting, staring… worrying.

BG told me something last night that I kind of already knew but now that someone else articulated it to me it seems a reality… and I need to change it. Or at least, if I am aware that that is how I am, I can prevent myself from falling into the “worry pit”.

Here’s to self-change, self-therapy. Fuck spending money on that shit.

/me reaches for a PBR.

On an unrelated note, how the hell can anyone STAND to listen to Sarah Palin talk? Never mind the stupid shit that falls out of her mouth, it’s her VOICE… it is so GODDAMN ANNOYING.

Published

frekur

on September 18, 2008

in self-awareness

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local living economies

» Cross-posted at Our Farm Adventure.

Last night Ben and I heard a talk by Judy Wicks, owner/founder of The White Dog Cafe in Philadelphia. She spoke last night in Raleigh about what she calls “local living economies” which encompasses local food and farming, community energy and organizing, finding more sustainable ways to enhance commerce among people and businesses within a specified region, and integrate these alternative methods into global trade.

It was moving, to say the least.

None of the issues she spoke about were new to me: our overpopulation situation, effects of long distance food distribution, trade issues, loss of local farms and the connections between, etc. But the ways in which this woman has created change in her community (and by starting small) was *very* new to me. I tend to have a pessimistic view of our nation and mostly generalize people into one large group of “idiots” who succumb to the way things seem and don’t strive to make change. This, I realize, is wrong, but it’s difficult for me to snap out of it until I see someone who *has* made change come forward and talk about their experiences. Judy noted that a lot of her success comes simply from talking to people. For the past 25 years she has formed honest relationships through communication of mutual beneficial alternatives to unsustainable living, and fueled her community with information on how changes can be made, starting with the individual. It’s grassroots all around and gave me a lot of ideas.

Hearing Judy speak and feeling her energy last evening left me excited about creating a life in Toccoa. Living and playing mostly in cities my whole life I struggle with the vision of living in a small town on a farm. And I probably have no idea how much actual *work* it’s going to be, at least to get us started, but now, more than I ever imagined, I am looking forward to it. And I say that because I am hoping that Ben and I can make a difference in Toccoa and sort of grab the town by the balls, if you will. There is certainly a huge opportunity there for us to impact locals by setting an example of a more sustainable way of life and I can’t wait to get started!

Published

frekur

on September 17, 2008

in green living and self-awareness

. 1 Comment

busy bee

I just realized that over the next few days this is what I have going on:

Newly loved yoga practice
Four new freelance projects (three new clients!)
Two current freelance projects
Must install and learn CMS system for one of the clients
Yoga
Obama cookout tonight
Rollergirls tomorrow
Yoga
Party tomorrow night
Gym and more yoga
French class Monday nights
White dog cafe lady speaking at the History Museum next Tuesday
Yoga
NCBC meeting next Thursday

All THIS before I leave to visit friends and family in PA next Friday for a week. HOLY HELL. Remember like six weeks ago when I was miserable and bored with life in Raleigh… WELL I WENT AND NIPPED THAT IN THE ASS DIDN’T I?

I talked to my friend Kris from Portland while the BG and I visited and she was telling me how her yoga practice had taken off… she was practicing and going to class like 8 times per week. Insane! I was kind of jealous when she was telling me because she loved her classes and her instructor and she could think about nothing else besides yoga. At the time I hadn’t been doing ANY exercising because I suck, but after our trip the BG and I made more of an effort to work out. Now I think we’ve got it (finally). And my new friend Julianne who incidentally also practices yoga at my YMCA has started motivating me to go to intermediate level classes, where I’m doing surprisingly well I think. (At least I did last night.)

Anyway, it’s all I can think about now. And I’ve been practicing at home more too. While I’m in PA I’m going to bum a class or two off m’s YMCA because we rock like that.

Thank god I have coffee fueling my brain today. CAN’T YOU TELL.

Published

frekur

on September 12, 2008

in french, goals, happiness, learning, the_move, veg*nism, work and yoga

. 1 Comment

the connections you make

This past weekend the BG and I traveled west (again) to Asheville to attend a wedding. A lot of childhood/high school/college friends of his were there and I was truly in awe of how large and close-knit the group was… AND most of them are in a band together. It was such a cute wedding because all the entertainment came from the band members, the toasts were adorable (one made me cry) and overall I just found it so astounding that these kids have damn near moved mountains to be near one another (they’ve traveled across the country from GA to CA).

Anyway, it got me thinking about my close friends and how I moved away from them (both from PA and OR) without batting an eye. When I feel a change needs to be made I just do it without really thinking about my friends; I figure they’ll always be there for me no matter where I live. But, inevitably, friendships change with distance. I can only say that one relationship (Mikaela and I) has strengthened since I left PA. In fact, I believe that strengthened bond has been one of the fruits of my leaving home in the first place. I always wish though, now more than ever, that her and I lived closer to one another. The realization that we aren’t getting any younger, and that I won’t be moving back north, becomes clearer each day.

Either way, I have another close friend, Graham, that I left behind in Portland and he has announced to me that he’s moving to Raleigh. I’ve been truthful with him regarding the city of Raleigh and all that it lacks (especially when compared to Portland), but he is insisting that this is time for him to move on and would like the support of a close friend for the rest of my stay here (until next December).

I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly I am happy, appreciative and excited about helping him out once he gets here. It’s clear to me how many friends I’ve made in Raleigh and the little life I’ve carved out for myself, even if I did spend the first long while completely miserable, complaining and closed-minded. I now have a list of resources to spew at G once he gets here and I’m fired up for him to meet my friends. This is something the BG and I definitely did *not* have when we moved!

Published

frekur

on September 3, 2008

in happiness, lmawesome, relationships and the_other_move

. 2 Comments

at the moment

I got my hair cut a week ago and I swear it was one of the best moves I’ve made in months. My hair looks great, even after I go camping and not shower for two days. SWEET. Plus, since then, I’ve been feeling super cute, super confident, and SUPER HAPPY.

The BG and I went camping in western NC with the THOG group I joined on meetup.com. It was apparently the largest overnight trip the group has ever organized, with 40+ people in attendance. Everyone I’ve met through the group (which has over 2,000 members) has been real nice, very knowledgeable about local/regional outdoor activities and it’s been providing me with a much better perspective on NC. I’ve gone to a few other events and each time I meet different people. I keep pulling the new friends I make to Tuesday night trivia at Napper Tandy’s*, hehe. :)

This weekend we’re headed out to Greensboro to visit some dude who’s really into permaculture. I don’t know anything about it so that’s why I sound dumb but I’m excited to learn. We’ll be heading out with a few students from BG’s permaculture class and hopefully the new knowledge will serve us well when we build our house. After this and some poking around in Greensboro for some good vegetarian food we’re headed west again for a show and a wedding in Asheville on Sunday. Hopefully someone on Couchsurfing will put us up in spite of our last minute attempts at planning on a busy holiday weekend.

I redesigned frekur.com because of a little incident with a client my company works with. The incident was a tad embarrassing, but I think everything is fine now and it kicked me in the ass to revamp the site. I’m also learning more on SEO/google indexing so that’s good, right?

I’ve made a few new improvements to my bicycle, inspired by the recent upgrades the BG did to his new ride. I’m so set now it’s not even funny. Like, set for long-term riding which is really what I wanted in the first place. I’m hoping when the weather cools off a bit the BG and I can get down to business on some longer trips with the bikes. I know he’s itching to get out more, too.

We’ve also been giving the whole exercise thing another go, AND the vegan thing. So far we’re doing awesome and I think the key is… not think about it too much. (Also? Having some Purely Decadent Coconut Milk vegan ice cream around doesn’t hurt either. It’s no Luna and Larry’s, but it’s a pretty delicious alternative to Ben and Jerry’s and the other sugary/gritty vegan alternatives.) I’ve been hauling my ass out of bed earlier in the mornings (like 7am) and getting a TON more done with my day. I’ve been riding about 20 miles a week on my bike and doing the gym about 3-4 times. Granted we’ve only been on it for the past two weeks but I think this time it’s going to stick. I’m motivated, he’s motivated… it’s all good.

With biking, exercising and meeting new people in mind, I’m planning on starting to ride with the North Carolina Bicycle Club. They have several groups that ride, I’d be in the “Slow Pokes” (beginner, non-competitive group). Hehe! They also need a new website and I’ve volunteered to assist them with whatever they need. We’ll see what happens!

*Read: $3-pints-of-Strongbow night.

Published

frekur

on August 28, 2008

in bicycling, design, green living, happiness, learning, relationships, veg*nism and volunteer

. 0 Comments

time warp

I spent the last week and a half in Portland with the BG and progressed through a series of unexpected emotions, ranging from please-don’t-make-me-go-home to hmmm-I-think-I’m-ready-to-move-on. My ass has been sittin’ here in Raleigh pretty much miserable, waiting around for something to show me that I am, indeed, in the right place. Going back to PDX was not exactly what I expected that something to be, but apparently it may have been that simple.

Without getting into every detail let’s just say that nothing there has changed. The house was the same, the roommates were the same, my friends were the same. The city is still full a pachouli and dreadlocks and the feeling of do-these-people-have-jobs? It was awesome to see my friends and I miss them already, but I feel much better about leaving them than I did one year ago.

The BG and I also moved through what seemed to be new phases in our relationship, putting some things on the table and talking through some shit that neither of us was being up front about prior to the trip. A lot of it revolved around me not exactly being excited about the prospect of moving to Toccoa and all that might mean for us. The idea of building the house is a non-issue. It’s Toccoa, the weather there, the nothingness there, that I have uneasiness about. We talked a lot about our options and agreed to remain open-minded.

I am exhausted. The last few days there my afternoons were filled with every cell in my body FIGHTING to keep my eyes open. We took a red eye flight home and even after ten hours of sleep last night I’m still feeling sluggish.

Sluggish, but good.

Published

frekur

on August 11, 2008

in self-awareness and travel

. 0 Comments