No big deal, right?
I am simply amazed at how different my life is now, compared to this time last year. Often, I think about where I might be one year from the present moment. I try to imagine the location, the feeling, the environment, the people. Usually, I miss the mark on most of those counts, but one or two can sometimes be estimated with a little accuracy.
My present moment is the last thing I’d imagined myself doing last October. One year ago, Jess and I were breaking up, I was driving north and visiting m on numerous occasions, I began to believe that I’d actually follow through with my move to the west coast, and I was realizing how lonely (and used to it) I had become in Virginia. Never in a million years did I think, “Hmm, next year I bet I’ll be moving east again to be with my soulmate!”
So, and inevitably, I feel surprised, excited and cautious. I also sense a bit of insecurity because, well, I’m leaving behind a lot. In just a matter of months I made a solid few circles of friends by whom I feel so entirely loved and appreciated (seriously, like never before), practiced yoga several days a week with a motivational buddy (a dream come true), discovered a bit of the Pacific Northwest and Portland (and getting to know my way around), realigned some of my beliefs and started to work on some goals I set for myself.
As of yet, I have no job in Raleigh (though quite a few prospects), I’ve never been to the city, and I don’t know anyone there (besides the BG). But that doesn’t sound much different than my move to Portland, so why is there such a contrast in my mindset?
Well, probably because I’m moving for a drastically different reason this time. Any doubt I have about my time in Raleigh really all comes from my self and how I handle relationships, not from the BG or my lack of trust in our bond.
Yea. I feel insecure. But more appropriately, I feel vulnerable. And I am ok with it.
I haven’t talked to BG in over 24 hours, which is seriously the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since we met in March. I am not usually so attached, but I guess this is different. Right now he is studying abroad in Mexico and is entirely out of reach. He will be back on Monday, which will be the next time I speak to him.
Ironically, during these final moments of anxiety and discomfort, I am almost glad he’s not here to listen to my insane ramblings of plan-making. We both probably need a break, and I embrace the challenge of getting all the little details handled without his assistance this week.
But I wonder what he’s learning and where he is, and I wish I could be there, experiencing it with him. Unlike all of my other relationships, I feel I am one half of a whole in this one. This, I can conclude, is the reason I am moving right now. Although I am quite happy in Portland, I am not content. There is a void now, so I’m off to go fill it.
I wonder. What will my life be like in one more year?
