I write about my journey through self-exploration and awareness; doesn’t everyone? Here, though, there are tendencies toward green living, veg*nism, travel, relationships and complaining. :)
The thing that sucks is now that we’re getting all serious about launching these other blogs and living our lives in a more public view, I’m holding back here, because I’m embarrassed and ashamed of how weak I’ve been and I’m not wanting it to affect the other goals the BG and I are trying to achieve.
I hate to say this, but I honestly wish I could just smoke a bowl and space out once in a while. You know, just like I did way back when…
Ugh.
But what happens after all that? For me, personally? What will carry me through my life happily and individually? I put a lot of time into finding an answer and the void I imagine in that answer’s place frightens me.
Let’s back up.
Right now, in Raleigh, I am in a holding pattern. I lost sleep last night with the realization that this is something I need to accept and be patient with. I have made a lot of rationalizations in this blog about why I’m “happy” and how I see my life but I’m going to be blatantly honest in this post and explain why lately I’ve not been so content. Some of this might seem like I’ve backtracked but I actually believe the courage to write this is progress. You be the judge.
This morning I had a long conversation with the only other person up that early, my mother. Although she and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, we both have very similar emotional patterns and her relationship with my father has striking resemblances to the one I share with the BG. Growing up, and even into the recent years, I’ve recognized that a large part of me doesn’t want to end up following in some of her footsteps. My mother has let go of some of her personal dreams and although it’s not a terrible (or unsolvable) situation, it’s one I can see myself headed toward. By that I mean: I haven’t made the commitment to any one activity that will suit me as a personal outlet (a dream) that I can rely on, lose myself in, look forward to, and enjoy. This is where my mother is.
Because I’ve chosen to surround myself in long-term relationships most of my adult life, I’ve come into patterns of following instead of leading. You could argue that if I hadn’t “followed” for this long that I wouldn’t have led myself to Portland and had the best times of my life last year. I would not fight you on it. My only regret is not taking the time to find a dream for myself in all those instances of following.
This pattern is one reason moving to Raleigh last October scared the living shit out of me. I knew that I was entering a situation that would enable this pattern and that it would take a lot of work on my part to keep myself above water. I’ve been here for over seven months, nearly the amount of time I lived in Portland. I have a few friends but not yet connected with anyone on the level I’d prefer. I sold off a lot of things that offered me ways of distracting myself, like DJ equipment and my vehicles… but anyway, I am here now. And admittedly, I’ve had a shitty attitude. I don’t have interest in this city, or meeting people, really, or anything. The only thing that makes me happy is spending time with the BG, making plans and doing all the fun things we get into.
I can’t allow this to be the only thing that gets me through the day. And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed at how immature I’ve been, and how lost I’ve felt, even in the midst of the greatest relationship I could have ever asked for. Didn’t I promise myself two years ago that I wouldn’t do this again? That this doesn’t work for me? That the only way I’m going to overcome obsessive manic depressive thoughts is to live for *me*?
I so did. And I haven’t honored that. All the little choices I make on a day-to-day basis about “skipping yoga tonight because I’d rather cook food and hang out with Ben” and “nah, I’ll call my friends another day” (because Ben’s home now), or “who needs to meet people when my favorite person ever is always here?”… They all add up to a dependent, sad, pathetic existence when my other half isn’t around.
I’ll destroy myself if I continue this way. It’s why I’ve lost sleep, it’s probably why I’ve had severe heart palpitations over the past few weeks and it’s why I have a friggen panic attack every time the BG tells me he’s leaving Raleigh for x amount of time.
Right now I just need a little encouragement and support, and maybe suggestions on what kind of trouble I can get my little independent ass into. I think this behavioral pattern of mine has been with me for so long that it’s sometimes hard to find stuff I take interest in (especially in a city that is a lot less obvious about things of interest).
***
I didn’t mention at all in this post that the BG is the GREATEST thing ever to happen to me, did I? Well, he is. Because he listens to my endless ramblings and loves me anyway. I could just die right now.
Guess I’ll go to bed now…
Years later, growing up, I would get them and in the middle of the night I would take my guys, my pink and white blanket and sneak into (tip toe!) my parents’ bedroom to lay on the floor. I have no idea what this accomplished except make me at least a little comforted that I had someone there. My mom always woke up and sat with me for a while.
Anyway, about eight years ago I had another surgery to repair a deviated septum which was believed to assist in relieving the frequency of infections. I am not sure if it worked, or if I grew out of them a bit, but since then I’ve had only two. One happened in 2004 while I lived in Virginia, and the second is happening right now.
I don’t ever remember having *both* ears affected at the same time. Usually, it only occurs in my right side. Tonight I went out with Morgan but didn’t last more than three hours as I felt my ears slowly close… and then ache. It honestly feels like someone is stabbing me in both ear canals.
I tell you that I am fine with being by myself when I’m not well, unless I’m sick with this shit. All I want right now is to be at home with my mom. (Or have the BG make me soup.)
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Skip the light rail or any subway system, as it doesn’t exist. The buses are confusing, scheduling is unclear and timing is inconvenient. The BG and I attempted to take the bus from the NCSU campus (a healthy ten minute walk from our apartment) into the city, which is less than 2 miles from campus, to the bar. This was around 8pm on a weeknight and the bus never arrived. We waited for an hour.
I took the bus one other time from campus to a job interview. Three transfers and an hour later, I suddenly became trapped as a bus headed back to Raleigh just didn’t exist! Only during rush hours do certain buses run to/from certain places in Research Triangle Park, I learned. (I was headed to the EPA. You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem.) Also, you cannot get to or from the RDU airport on Sundays, as buses don’t run(???).
I felt liberated when I sold off my vehicles in Portland. I started taking the bus everywhere and then I figured I could live even more cheaply by riding my bike. This worked well. A brief look at the bus lines in Raleigh before my move had me thinking that since I’ve spent my whole life basically overlooking public buses that surely all I needed to do was be patient and learn the ways of a new system. Maybe Portland made me a snob by offering cheap, abundant public transit, but I don’t know if I can get by here without owning a vehicle. I guess it will depend on where I end up working.
Anyway.
The apartment is pretty much done for now. We went ahead and bought a mattress last week and it is SWEET. Less than $400 and more comfortable than my Tempurpedic.
I’m also shopping for a bike. I’d like to get a hybrid but it seems like each company does them differently. My preference would be to have something lightweight, comfortable for commuting and also for long road/trail trips. Not sure yet if this is possible, at least for an off the shelf product.
This past weekend we hosted our first Couchsurfer. She was really sweet and hung out with us for most of the weekend. I also met a new friend last weekend, Morgan, and hung out with her this past Friday night with both her boyfriend and the BG. We made fun of the fartsy people in downtown Raleigh for First Friday.
Saturday we drove out to the Chapel Hill area to visit the Weaver Street Market, a co-op and cafe with really delicious food. While we were there we met up with a new friend I met on OkCupid named Mike. We chatted for a bit then broke it off for the afternoon, as the three of us headed back to Raleigh to run some errands and get ready to make a huge homemade taco dinner, to which Mike was invited. The four of us had an awesome meal together and then went out to a pub afterward.
The weekend was great, meeting new friends kicks ass.
Now, I’m back to job searching and freelance work. This Saturday I’m scheduled to start volunteering at the Raleigh Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I’ve also located several yoga studios who teach yoga in the Iyengar tradition, which is similar to what I was enjoying in Portland. (I’m lining up the yoga and Spanish classes for when I get a job.)
I’ve been doing pretty well with my home yoga. I practice about every other day (except this past weekend) and have been able to do a few poses I wasn’t comfortable doing in my fast paced classes in Portland. That is the tradeoff with home practice; you get time to focus on practicing poses that are difficult and really customize a routine that you feel works for you (and it’s free), but you don’t get the attention from an instructor that really helps you ensure proper posture and position in the poses. I’m looking forward to attending classes once or twice a week to supplement my home routine.
It’s about money. And insecurity. I guess…
Should I sell the motorcycle? I mean really, I’m riding trains and buses and renting cars for weekend getaways… Am I riding enough to make it worth it? Should I sell it for something cheaper?
Although it’s hard to let it go, I have to admit that I’m a little scared about getting it f-ed up again. Because then this $4,500 asset I have might not be worth as much. At this point, with all these future plans we’re making, I’d rather buy something for maybe $1,000 that I care less about, be debt free and able to save starting right now. It’s all about being less attached to my possessions…
I rode my bicycle last week again. I could get used to it if I made the effort. And Portland doesn’t really require one to own a vehicle… it’s so damn easy to get around without one.
Ugh.
A piece of me, though, is asking, “Are you sure you’re doing this for the right reasons?”
I gotta think…
