Category Archive for ‘the_other_move’ at /frekur/blog/

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the connections you make

This past weekend the BG and I traveled west (again) to Asheville to attend a wedding. A lot of childhood/high school/college friends of his were there and I was truly in awe of how large and close-knit the group was… AND most of them are in a band together. It was such a cute wedding because all the entertainment came from the band members, the toasts were adorable (one made me cry) and overall I just found it so astounding that these kids have damn near moved mountains to be near one another (they’ve traveled across the country from GA to CA).

Anyway, it got me thinking about my close friends and how I moved away from them (both from PA and OR) without batting an eye. When I feel a change needs to be made I just do it without really thinking about my friends; I figure they’ll always be there for me no matter where I live. But, inevitably, friendships change with distance. I can only say that one relationship (Mikaela and I) has strengthened since I left PA. In fact, I believe that strengthened bond has been one of the fruits of my leaving home in the first place. I always wish though, now more than ever, that her and I lived closer to one another. The realization that we aren’t getting any younger, and that I won’t be moving back north, becomes clearer each day.

Either way, I have another close friend, Graham, that I left behind in Portland and he has announced to me that he’s moving to Raleigh. I’ve been truthful with him regarding the city of Raleigh and all that it lacks (especially when compared to Portland), but he is insisting that this is time for him to move on and would like the support of a close friend for the rest of my stay here (until next December).

I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly I am happy, appreciative and excited about helping him out once he gets here. It’s clear to me how many friends I’ve made in Raleigh and the little life I’ve carved out for myself, even if I did spend the first long while completely miserable, complaining and closed-minded. I now have a list of resources to spew at G once he gets here and I’m fired up for him to meet my friends. This is something the BG and I definitely did *not* have when we moved!

Published

frekur

on September 3, 2008

in happiness, lmawesome, relationships and the_other_move

. 2 Comments

after all that, where is my star?

I’ve mentioned before that the BG and I have this dream of traveling together and then building the house in Toccoa. I am very excited about all of it because it is a dream we created together. Traveling is a priority for me and it is for him as well, so planning the year-trip in 2010 (and subsequent trips after that) will be easy. And as far as the house is concerned I’ve wanted to live off the grid, he wanted to build a house out of sustainable materials. It’s like we’re merging personal goals into one big collaborative dream we now hold really dear.

But what happens after all that? For me, personally? What will carry me through my life happily and individually? I put a lot of time into finding an answer and the void I imagine in that answer’s place frightens me.

Let’s back up.

Right now, in Raleigh, I am in a holding pattern. I lost sleep last night with the realization that this is something I need to accept and be patient with. I have made a lot of rationalizations in this blog about why I’m “happy” and how I see my life but I’m going to be blatantly honest in this post and explain why lately I’ve not been so content. Some of this might seem like I’ve backtracked but I actually believe the courage to write this is progress. You be the judge.

This morning I had a long conversation with the only other person up that early, my mother. Although she and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, we both have very similar emotional patterns and her relationship with my father has striking resemblances to the one I share with the BG. Growing up, and even into the recent years, I’ve recognized that a large part of me doesn’t want to end up following in some of her footsteps. My mother has let go of some of her personal dreams and although it’s not a terrible (or unsolvable) situation, it’s one I can see myself headed toward. By that I mean: I haven’t made the commitment to any one activity that will suit me as a personal outlet (a dream) that I can rely on, lose myself in, look forward to, and enjoy. This is where my mother is.

Because I’ve chosen to surround myself in long-term relationships most of my adult life, I’ve come into patterns of following instead of leading. You could argue that if I hadn’t “followed” for this long that I wouldn’t have led myself to Portland and had the best times of my life last year. I would not fight you on it. My only regret is not taking the time to find a dream for myself in all those instances of following.

This pattern is one reason moving to Raleigh last October scared the living shit out of me. I knew that I was entering a situation that would enable this pattern and that it would take a lot of work on my part to keep myself above water. I’ve been here for over seven months, nearly the amount of time I lived in Portland. I have a few friends but not yet connected with anyone on the level I’d prefer. I sold off a lot of things that offered me ways of distracting myself, like DJ equipment and my vehicles… but anyway, I am here now. And admittedly, I’ve had a shitty attitude. I don’t have interest in this city, or meeting people, really, or anything. The only thing that makes me happy is spending time with the BG, making plans and doing all the fun things we get into.

I can’t allow this to be the only thing that gets me through the day. And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed at how immature I’ve been, and how lost I’ve felt, even in the midst of the greatest relationship I could have ever asked for. Didn’t I promise myself two years ago that I wouldn’t do this again? That this doesn’t work for me? That the only way I’m going to overcome obsessive manic depressive thoughts is to live for *me*?

I so did. And I haven’t honored that. All the little choices I make on a day-to-day basis about “skipping yoga tonight because I’d rather cook food and hang out with Ben” and “nah, I’ll call my friends another day” (because Ben’s home now), or “who needs to meet people when my favorite person ever is always here?”… They all add up to a dependent, sad, pathetic existence when my other half isn’t around.

I’ll destroy myself if I continue this way. It’s why I’ve lost sleep, it’s probably why I’ve had severe heart palpitations over the past few weeks and it’s why I have a friggen panic attack every time the BG tells me he’s leaving Raleigh for x amount of time.

Right now I just need a little encouragement and support, and maybe suggestions on what kind of trouble I can get my little independent ass into. I think this behavioral pattern of mine has been with me for so long that it’s sometimes hard to find stuff I take interest in (especially in a city that is a lot less obvious about things of interest).

***

I didn’t mention at all in this post that the BG is the GREATEST thing ever to happen to me, did I? Well, he is. Because he listens to my endless ramblings and loves me anyway. I could just die right now.

Published

frekur

on May 20, 2008

in complaining, relationships, sadness, self-awareness and the_other_move

. 3 Comments

the fuchsia

If you’d asked me one year ago if I ever dreamed of getting married, the look you would have gotten could have answered your ridiculous question before you finished asking it. I have trouble with promises. It’s just *not possible* to know how you’ll feel in the future.

But I think I had it all wrong. And this is an aspect of the BG that I’ve come to admire, adore and continually aspire to integrate into an ever-changing me. He lives in the moment.

Not even a month after I met him, the BG told me he thought we should get tattoos together. I don’t remember my exact reaction, but it was probably something in between a polite brush-off and a sudden freak-out. It scared the shit out of me. And during all the months of excitement, traveling, loving, debunking my relationship woes, I was still shoving that little idea he had to the very dark, dank corner of my mind so I could sleep at night. I mean, is this kid even for real? Wtf?

But… am *I* for real? I left a dream situation in my dream city to come back to the east coast to live in a shoebox with someone I’d only known for seven effing months.

Yea.

The idea of the tattoos has casually been discussed here and there since I moved to Raleigh but I needed to make a decision on what it meant to *me* so that I can come to terms with getting something permanently inked on my body with a significant other. I needed it to mean something personal so that no matter where I am in my mind I never regret the decision for a moment.

Last week, I did the best I could. And our one year thingy rolled by last Monday and we were both like, What should we do to celebrate?

I said let’s go get tattooed.

Here is what the Fuchsia Blossom tattoo symbolizes to me:
- The first plant (of many) the BG gave to me to decorate my house in Portland.
- A love that has opened my eyes during a period of monumental self-change.
- That tattoos are permanent, and ideas (thoughts, attitudes, habits, judgements, decisions) are not.
- The day I took a blossom from the plant and put it in the hand of a blind man as we got off the bus on my way to work. (A day I felt a pure goodness inside which made me very happy.)
- That I now believe in fighting for something other than just *me*.
- That each moment is all I have. No more, no less.

Just as the Four Agreements tattoo serves as a reminder to do my best, the Fuchsia Blossom tattoo reminds me to live in the moment.

Pics of the Fuchsia Blossom tattoos. :)

Published

frekur

on March 17, 2008

in body modification, happiness, relationships, self-awareness and the_other_move

. 1 Comment

the past few weeks and a dream

So, over the past few weeks, since Xmas actually, I’ve been really involved with work. As much as I love getting paid well, putting in 60+ hours a week for the entire month of January confirms for me that I would rather stab my eyes out than do this shit for the rest of my life.

But.

None of that is terribly important. The BG and I are pretty fucking good at devising ideas and making plans. That means all my hard work is for a cause: I’ve been saving every penny so that we will have materials and equipment to build our home in North Georgia.

Georgia? Well, it wouldn’t have been my first pick, but the BG has some family land near Toccoa so that’s where we’re headed. And we have all the freedom to make it what we want, so I’ll be checking off another goal from 43things: Live off the grid.

I moved to Raleigh for several reasons, saving money being one of them. And we don’t live in a 320 sq. foot apartment for the fun of it. $450 a month in rent (all utilities included) sure as hell sounds pretty yummy when you’re trying to save as much as possible.

It’s all we talk about. It’s our dream. :) We’re going to start building a cob house and farm on the family land sometime in 2011*. We’ve got a ton of money saved up already, more than I’ve ever saved for anything. And I can’t explain how excited I am that we’re on a path to something so awesome.

We’ve stocked our library with resources to get us started and we’ll be blogging about our progress every step of the way. :)

*After, of course, our one year trip to who knows where.

Published

frekur

on February 25, 2008

in 43things, green living, happiness, the_other_move and work

. 1 Comment

what’s been up

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks, I’ve just been kinda bored of blogging.

The weekend prior to Thanksgiving the BG and I went camping at South Mountains State Park, in the western part of the state. We made it there late and hiked up a seriously big hill which proved just how stiff and out of shape I am. It was pretty chilly the night we were there, but we unzipped the windows in the roof of the tent and snuggled up to watch the moon set. It was awesome. As we hiked out the next day we saw a pretty waterfall. (Pictures coming soon.)

Thanksgiving was really nice. We drove down to Georgia and saw the many family members I’ve had the joy of meeting this year. I absolutely *love* his family… They are all so sweet and so caring, and it’s amazing how everyone has pulled together over concern for his mom (who is still in the hospital).

After returning from Georgia I went to pick up my new bike and rode it home. I had the guys at All-Star Bike Shop put on a rack and lights and am using the BG’s panniers. It rides quite differently than my mountain bike. Obviously I can feel more of what’s going on in the road because there is no suspension, but I also feel that when I pedal I’m moving faster than with the same amount of pedaling on the mountain bike. It just feels more efficient. The gears are really nice too, much better than the grip shifts. I am very happy with it. Last weekend we rode nearly 20 miles on one of the many local greenways and had a fantastic day in the sun at Umstead State park. (Pictures coming soon, I swear.)

On the job front, I interviewed at one more place and the meeting went quite well. It seems as though my experience working (and being comfortable with) adult products actually paid off a bit because they told me it was one reason they wanted to offer me the position. (A small percentage of the work will be adult-oriented.) I received the offer on my birthday, which rocked, and after some negotiations I accepted a few days later. I am taking a pay cut, but it is a telecommuting web design position, which allows me to work remotely and have my internet costs reimbursed, not to mention work on my Mac. They focus on standards compliant site architecture and there’s a possibility for me to be involved in the future development of templates and framework that will allow for more efficient workflows.

All that, *and* I get to share lunchtime with the BG. :)

As far as new friends are concerned, I’ve been spending some of my Wednesday nights with Brandon. He seriously cracks me up. We go to a bar in downtown Raleigh and watch reality TV shows with a bunch of his friends. I find the whole thing hilarious.

I also see Morgan about once a week which is great. I really like this girl, she’s smart, witty and a little bitter (it’s funny). And each time I hang out with her I like her more. She’s got a really interesting history and is a fantastic artist. I saw her house last night and it is sweet. There are huge old-growth trees in her back yard and a hammock! I am not sure she realizes just how often I’ll be subtly making plans to be at her place to settle my ass in that thing. ;)

Over the past few days I have managed to re-center myself. I had been feeling emotionally up and down since I arrived in Raleigh, which is kind of annoying. I assume that not having a job is really the source of the tension I’ve felt, but it’d manifested itself into a lethargic, shiftless state that has gotten me nowhere except feeling crazy. I’ve overanalyzed everything lately and was becoming quite sick of myself. But when the BG left for Uruguay I figured this was a great opportunity to spend some time doing my own thing and getting my head straight. That is exactly what I’ve been doing and I feel much better. :)

I am excited to start my new job, for which I have a staff meeting this Thursday at a coffee shop in RTP. And I’ve signed up for some classes at Wake Tech (Spanish!) in the spring to get me back on track. I also have myself scheduled to volunteer at the ReStore this week (but if I’m not feeling better I might not go). Finally, this coming weekend I am headed up to DC to visit friends (including Jess!).

I am relieved that it’s all beginning to come together. :)

Published

frekur

on December 9, 2007

in bicycling, design, happiness, learning, relationships, self-awareness, spanish, the_other_move, volunteer and work

. 1 Comment

unemployed, still

It is amazing the crazy things you think about when you don’t have a job. And, it’s amazing how those crazy things can bring you down at the drop of a hat when you feel bored, insecure and financially trapped.

Aside from freelance work (which doesn’t require that much time), I haven’t had a full time job in a month. That’s the longest I’ve gone without one since I was in college 9 years ago. I’ll say, though, that not once have I doubted my design work. Instead, I’ve let the feeble mindset of the unemployed carry over into other areas of my life (I’ll save you all the stupid details). But this really isn’t the only reason I’ve been a little wishy washy, and I am aware that attention and patience will get me through it.

I had two more interviews last week that went well. Both jobs are interesting to me for different reasons and I believe I could grow and learn in either one.

Last weekend was filled (once again) with of new faces, including a few from Couchsurfing and quite a handful from OkCupid. All of us met for a major night out on Friday that included dinner at a Thai restaurant, a movie at the art museum, and drinks at several pubs in downtown Raleigh. I had an amazing time talking with new people and drinking to new relationships. The BG worked hard arranging the night and it paid off as everyone said they had a great time.

This week I’m shopping for a bike (that has suddenly morphed into my combined birthday and xmas gift from the parents… sometimes being a December baby pays off…) in addition to the continued job search and freelance work. Amazingly, Trex is giving me another project. I thought I wasn’t going to be getting much more work from them (for budget reasons).

All this free time affords me the opportunity to go on field trips with the BG. Together, over the past three weeks, we’ve traveled out of the city to check on his little strawberries and yesterday I also joined him on a farm tour that he was attending. I found it interesting because I had never really been on a farm before.

My goals for this week? Complete one freelance job, start the second, practice yoga three times and buy a bike. Will I have a full time job by Friday?

We’ll see.

Published

frekur

on November 12, 2007

in bicycling, design, relationships, the_other_move, work and yoga

. 0 Comments