But what happens after all that? For me, personally? What will carry me through my life happily and individually? I put a lot of time into finding an answer and the void I imagine in that answer’s place frightens me.
Let’s back up.
Right now, in Raleigh, I am in a holding pattern. I lost sleep last night with the realization that this is something I need to accept and be patient with. I have made a lot of rationalizations in this blog about why I’m “happy” and how I see my life but I’m going to be blatantly honest in this post and explain why lately I’ve not been so content. Some of this might seem like I’ve backtracked but I actually believe the courage to write this is progress. You be the judge.
This morning I had a long conversation with the only other person up that early, my mother. Although she and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, we both have very similar emotional patterns and her relationship with my father has striking resemblances to the one I share with the BG. Growing up, and even into the recent years, I’ve recognized that a large part of me doesn’t want to end up following in some of her footsteps. My mother has let go of some of her personal dreams and although it’s not a terrible (or unsolvable) situation, it’s one I can see myself headed toward. By that I mean: I haven’t made the commitment to any one activity that will suit me as a personal outlet (a dream) that I can rely on, lose myself in, look forward to, and enjoy. This is where my mother is.
Because I’ve chosen to surround myself in long-term relationships most of my adult life, I’ve come into patterns of following instead of leading. You could argue that if I hadn’t “followed” for this long that I wouldn’t have led myself to Portland and had the best times of my life last year. I would not fight you on it. My only regret is not taking the time to find a dream for myself in all those instances of following.
This pattern is one reason moving to Raleigh last October scared the living shit out of me. I knew that I was entering a situation that would enable this pattern and that it would take a lot of work on my part to keep myself above water. I’ve been here for over seven months, nearly the amount of time I lived in Portland. I have a few friends but not yet connected with anyone on the level I’d prefer. I sold off a lot of things that offered me ways of distracting myself, like DJ equipment and my vehicles… but anyway, I am here now. And admittedly, I’ve had a shitty attitude. I don’t have interest in this city, or meeting people, really, or anything. The only thing that makes me happy is spending time with the BG, making plans and doing all the fun things we get into.
I can’t allow this to be the only thing that gets me through the day. And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed at how immature I’ve been, and how lost I’ve felt, even in the midst of the greatest relationship I could have ever asked for. Didn’t I promise myself two years ago that I wouldn’t do this again? That this doesn’t work for me? That the only way I’m going to overcome obsessive manic depressive thoughts is to live for *me*?
I so did. And I haven’t honored that. All the little choices I make on a day-to-day basis about “skipping yoga tonight because I’d rather cook food and hang out with Ben” and “nah, I’ll call my friends another day” (because Ben’s home now), or “who needs to meet people when my favorite person ever is always here?”… They all add up to a dependent, sad, pathetic existence when my other half isn’t around.
I’ll destroy myself if I continue this way. It’s why I’ve lost sleep, it’s probably why I’ve had severe heart palpitations over the past few weeks and it’s why I have a friggen panic attack every time the BG tells me he’s leaving Raleigh for x amount of time.
Right now I just need a little encouragement and support, and maybe suggestions on what kind of trouble I can get my little independent ass into. I think this behavioral pattern of mine has been with me for so long that it’s sometimes hard to find stuff I take interest in (especially in a city that is a lot less obvious about things of interest).
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I didn’t mention at all in this post that the BG is the GREATEST thing ever to happen to me, did I? Well, he is. Because he listens to my endless ramblings and loves me anyway. I could just die right now.
