Tag Archive for 'family'

my life lately, as someone who’s vomiting would tell it

I can’t find the creativity to write a decent blog entry and it’s pissing me off, so this is what you’re getting.

Feeling unorganized. Taking on a lot of freelance work. Buying a new Prius with the BG. Calling and getting a shitload of car insurance rates. Finding out I’m forced to get my NC drivers license. Insurance is a scam. DMVs are a scam. Owning a car is expensive and you only really figure that out after you stopped owning one for a while. Car dealers are a scam. It’s been hot as hell here lately. Exercise and yoga have been spotty, I just feel busy all the time (see “unorganized” comment above). Loving my friends in Raleigh (Morgan’s leaving in a couple of months, that kinda sucks). I’ve been having heart palpitations again, this time worse than ever. Just looked out the window and am seeing SMOKE from an eastern North Carolinia wildfire and thought it was smog. We’re leaving for Georgia tomorrow and the BG’s family doesn’t know yet that we bought the car. The other day I noticed that I’ve been here longer than I lived in Portland. Kinda sad, kinda happy. I’m cooking more, because I’m tired of waiting to be cooked for. ;) ME HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. CHOMP CHOMP

A more mature entry coming soon, I swear.

In the meantime, look at my car’s butt:

Prius Rear

Published
by
frekur
on June 12, 2008
in wtf
. 2 Comments

after all that, where is my star?

I’ve mentioned before that the BG and I have this dream of traveling together and then building the house in Toccoa. I am very excited about all of it because it is a dream we created together. Traveling is a priority for me and it is for him as well, so planning the year-trip in 2010 (and subsequent trips after that) will be easy. And as far as the house is concerned I’ve wanted to live off the grid, he wanted to build a house out of sustainable materials. It’s like we’re merging personal goals into one big collaborative dream we now hold really dear.

But what happens after all that? For me, personally? What will carry me through my life happily and individually? I put a lot of time into finding an answer and the void I imagine in that answer’s place frightens me.

Let’s back up.

Right now, in Raleigh, I am in a holding pattern. I lost sleep last night with the realization that this is something I need to accept and be patient with. I have made a lot of rationalizations in this blog about why I’m “happy” and how I see my life but I’m going to be blatantly honest in this post and explain why lately I’ve not been so content. Some of this might seem like I’ve backtracked but I actually believe the courage to write this is progress. You be the judge.

This morning I had a long conversation with the only other person up that early, my mother. Although she and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues, we both have very similar emotional patterns and her relationship with my father has striking resemblances to the one I share with the BG. Growing up, and even into the recent years, I’ve recognized that a large part of me doesn’t want to end up following in some of her footsteps. My mother has let go of some of her personal dreams and although it’s not a terrible (or unsolvable) situation, it’s one I can see myself headed toward. By that I mean: I haven’t made the commitment to any one activity that will suit me as a personal outlet (a dream) that I can rely on, lose myself in, look forward to, and enjoy. This is where my mother is.

Because I’ve chosen to surround myself in long-term relationships most of my adult life, I’ve come into patterns of following instead of leading. You could argue that if I hadn’t “followed” for this long that I wouldn’t have led myself to Portland and had the best times of my life last year. I would not fight you on it. My only regret is not taking the time to find a dream for myself in all those instances of following.

This pattern is one reason moving to Raleigh last October scared the living shit out of me. I knew that I was entering a situation that would enable this pattern and that it would take a lot of work on my part to keep myself above water. I’ve been here for over seven months, nearly the amount of time I lived in Portland. I have a few friends but not yet connected with anyone on the level I’d prefer. I sold off a lot of things that offered me ways of distracting myself, like DJ equipment and my vehicles… but anyway, I am here now. And admittedly, I’ve had a shitty attitude. I don’t have interest in this city, or meeting people, really, or anything. The only thing that makes me happy is spending time with the BG, making plans and doing all the fun things we get into.

I can’t allow this to be the only thing that gets me through the day. And yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m ashamed at how immature I’ve been, and how lost I’ve felt, even in the midst of the greatest relationship I could have ever asked for. Didn’t I promise myself two years ago that I wouldn’t do this again? That this doesn’t work for me? That the only way I’m going to overcome obsessive manic depressive thoughts is to live for *me*?

I so did. And I haven’t honored that. All the little choices I make on a day-to-day basis about “skipping yoga tonight because I’d rather cook food and hang out with Ben” and “nah, I’ll call my friends another day” (because Ben’s home now), or “who needs to meet people when my favorite person ever is always here?”… They all add up to a dependent, sad, pathetic existence when my other half isn’t around.

I’ll destroy myself if I continue this way. It’s why I’ve lost sleep, it’s probably why I’ve had severe heart palpitations over the past few weeks and it’s why I have a friggen panic attack every time the BG tells me he’s leaving Raleigh for x amount of time.

Right now I just need a little encouragement and support, and maybe suggestions on what kind of trouble I can get my little independent ass into. I think this behavioral pattern of mine has been with me for so long that it’s sometimes hard to find stuff I take interest in (especially in a city that is a lot less obvious about things of interest).

***

I didn’t mention at all in this post that the BG is the GREATEST thing ever to happen to me, did I? Well, he is. Because he listens to my endless ramblings and loves me anyway. I could just die right now.

Published
by
frekur
on May 20, 2008
in complaining, relationships, sadness, self-awareness and the_other_move
. 3 Comments

i cry at funerals

The BG’s mom passed away on the 16th.

We drove down the night before to visit her and then got the call the next morning. I stood with the BG, his grandmother and his brother as his mom died. I felt it was my role to support them, so I that’s what I tried to do.

The funeral was Monday and I cried because of my sadness for the BG and his family. The entire week we stayed in Macon where we began to clean out her house.

I do not know how I will feel or act when I tell one of my parents a last goodbye.

This is what I think about now.

Published
by
frekur
on February 27, 2008
in relationships and sadness
. 1 Comment

what’s been up

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks, I’ve just been kinda bored of blogging.

The weekend prior to Thanksgiving the BG and I went camping at South Mountains State Park, in the western part of the state. We made it there late and hiked up a seriously big hill which proved just how stiff and out of shape I am. It was pretty chilly the night we were there, but we unzipped the windows in the roof of the tent and snuggled up to watch the moon set. It was awesome. As we hiked out the next day we saw a pretty waterfall. (Pictures coming soon.)

Thanksgiving was really nice. We drove down to Georgia and saw the many family members I’ve had the joy of meeting this year. I absolutely *love* his family… They are all so sweet and so caring, and it’s amazing how everyone has pulled together over concern for his mom (who is still in the hospital).

After returning from Georgia I went to pick up my new bike and rode it home. I had the guys at All-Star Bike Shop put on a rack and lights and am using the BG’s panniers. It rides quite differently than my mountain bike. Obviously I can feel more of what’s going on in the road because there is no suspension, but I also feel that when I pedal I’m moving faster than with the same amount of pedaling on the mountain bike. It just feels more efficient. The gears are really nice too, much better than the grip shifts. I am very happy with it. Last weekend we rode nearly 20 miles on one of the many local greenways and had a fantastic day in the sun at Umstead State park. (Pictures coming soon, I swear.)

On the job front, I interviewed at one more place and the meeting went quite well. It seems as though my experience working (and being comfortable with) adult products actually paid off a bit because they told me it was one reason they wanted to offer me the position. (A small percentage of the work will be adult-oriented.) I received the offer on my birthday, which rocked, and after some negotiations I accepted a few days later. I am taking a pay cut, but it is a telecommuting web design position, which allows me to work remotely and have my internet costs reimbursed, not to mention work on my Mac. They focus on standards compliant site architecture and there’s a possibility for me to be involved in the future development of templates and framework that will allow for more efficient workflows.

All that, *and* I get to share lunchtime with the BG. :)

As far as new friends are concerned, I’ve been spending some of my Wednesday nights with Brandon. He seriously cracks me up. We go to a bar in downtown Raleigh and watch reality TV shows with a bunch of his friends. I find the whole thing hilarious.

I also see Morgan about once a week which is great. I really like this girl, she’s smart, witty and a little bitter (it’s funny). And each time I hang out with her I like her more. She’s got a really interesting history and is a fantastic artist. I saw her house last night and it is sweet. There are huge old-growth trees in her back yard and a hammock! I am not sure she realizes just how often I’ll be subtly making plans to be at her place to settle my ass in that thing. ;)

Over the past few days I have managed to re-center myself. I had been feeling emotionally up and down since I arrived in Raleigh, which is kind of annoying. I assume that not having a job is really the source of the tension I’ve felt, but it’d manifested itself into a lethargic, shiftless state that has gotten me nowhere except feeling crazy. I’ve overanalyzed everything lately and was becoming quite sick of myself. But when the BG left for Uruguay I figured this was a great opportunity to spend some time doing my own thing and getting my head straight. That is exactly what I’ve been doing and I feel much better. :)

I am excited to start my new job, for which I have a staff meeting this Thursday at a coffee shop in RTP. And I’ve signed up for some classes at Wake Tech (Spanish!) in the spring to get me back on track. I also have myself scheduled to volunteer at the ReStore this week (but if I’m not feeling better I might not go). Finally, this coming weekend I am headed up to DC to visit friends (including Jess!).

I am relieved that it’s all beginning to come together. :)

Published
by
frekur
on December 9, 2007
in bicycling, design, happiness, learning, relationships, self-awareness, spanish, the_other_move, volunteer and work
. 1 Comment

unemployed, still

It is amazing the crazy things you think about when you don’t have a job. And, it’s amazing how those crazy things can bring you down at the drop of a hat when you feel bored, insecure and financially trapped.

Aside from freelance work (which doesn’t require that much time), I haven’t had a full time job in a month. That’s the longest I’ve gone without one since I was in college 9 years ago. I’ll say, though, that not once have I doubted my design work. Instead, I’ve let the feeble mindset of the unemployed carry over into other areas of my life (I’ll save you all the stupid details). But this really isn’t the only reason I’ve been a little wishy washy, and I am aware that attention and patience will get me through it.

I had two more interviews last week that went well. Both jobs are interesting to me for different reasons and I believe I could grow and learn in either one.

Last weekend was filled (once again) with of new faces, including a few from Couchsurfing and quite a handful from OkCupid. All of us met for a major night out on Friday that included dinner at a Thai restaurant, a movie at the art museum, and drinks at several pubs in downtown Raleigh. I had an amazing time talking with new people and drinking to new relationships. The BG worked hard arranging the night and it paid off as everyone said they had a great time.

This week I’m shopping for a bike (that has suddenly morphed into my combined birthday and xmas gift from the parents… sometimes being a December baby pays off…) in addition to the continued job search and freelance work. Amazingly, Trex is giving me another project. I thought I wasn’t going to be getting much more work from them (for budget reasons).

All this free time affords me the opportunity to go on field trips with the BG. Together, over the past three weeks, we’ve traveled out of the city to check on his little strawberries and yesterday I also joined him on a farm tour that he was attending. I found it interesting because I had never really been on a farm before.

My goals for this week? Complete one freelance job, start the second, practice yoga three times and buy a bike. Will I have a full time job by Friday?

We’ll see.

Published
by
frekur
on November 12, 2007
in bicycling, design, relationships, the_other_move, work and yoga
. 0 Comments

it’s oh so quiet… almost

The trip back east was rigorous but good. I met a lot of amazing people, saw a lot of new things and ate food I thought I wouldn’t like.

We spent three days in PA visiting with my family, and as soon as we landed in Philadelphia I was missing Portland already. The hot, steamy humidity of the east coast summer was kinda gross. I really never got used to it, anyway. But, I was looking forward to all the things that I would get to expose the BG to: Rita’s Water Ice, Singapore and Horizons.

We ate at Horizons the day we flew in, and it was everything I missed. I think BG was impressed. :) Then we hung out with my family for the weekend and I didn’t really hit that wall that I was so used to hitting. I felt completely fine. I was… *gasp*… relaxed! They liked the BG and I think he liked them, too.

Monday we flew from Philadelphia to Atlanta where I was about to start the grand tour of Georgia. It was hotter, bugs sounded different, the food was foreign and the accents were addictive. Everyone in his family was really sweet, cooking for us with each stop we made. I tried fried okra, creamed corn (which I hated as a kid), collard greens, corn bread, pecan pie and boiled peanuts, just to list off the highlights. Everything was excellent!

We also spent some time in Athens, where I met some of his friends, who were all awesome. (While we were there, BG hit something while driving and pierced the fuel tank on his Stanza. Our week didn’t really change much, besides renting a car to finish it off, but I feel bad that it *still* isn’t fixed and he had planned to be up in NC by now! I just wish I could help him… Ugh.)

Then, up in the North Georgia mountains, we camped on Thursday night where I didn’t sleep much because the bugs sounded so damn weird. Friday we ended the weekend back in suburban Atlanta where I met his brother. The place in which he lived reminded me exactly of Northern Virginia. Cookie cutter homes, traffic, young trees and open areas with new shopping centers. I really really really felt like I was in Virginia. While we were there we drove downtown to shop for CDs and eat at Soul Vegetarian. Tasty! And vegan!

The trip was fun. And for the most part I was very happy, though, there was a sense of sadness and anticipation that stayed with me throughout. I was not looking forward to saying goodbye. But with BG’s surprise style, the goodbye was actually the highlight of my week.

So now I’m hack home. And I am starting out at the same spot as when I moved here, it seems. Over the course of five months, I got into a groove and now… my groove is gone! The only thing to do is fill up my weekends with things to do and see, and people to be with, but also keep focused on why I’m here to begin with.

“What am I doing here again?”

Thrive on my self for a while.

Since I’ve been back, this is what I’ve been up to:

Yoga. Riding my bike to work. (All of a sudden I do not feel like drinking alcohol! Sweet.) Eating better: salads, fruit, veggies and NOT spending money across the street at the coffee shop. Budgeting. Salsa dance class on Tuesday nights that my coworker teaches. Spanish class in September on Mondays. Letting my hair grow. Emotional discipline. Reading, writing (in a journal). And sleeping diagonally. ;)

I also get to see m in three weeks. :)

And I have my Xmas flight booked for the winter break with BG. :) :)

I will take advantage of these 22 months. Not mope. If anything, they should be more rewarding than before I met the BG. Because now, I *truly* get to focus on me… I won’t be putting any energy into dating or flirting. I can do whatever I want to do and care even less what people think. I can focus on friends, activities, the solitude that I find so comforting, and still miss that special person I never thought I’d find.

Published
by
frekur
on August 17, 2007
in happiness, learning, relationships, self-awareness, travel and veg*nism
. 2 Comments